Families are busy. Parents polled cited 'not having enough time' as the number one barrier to a harmonious family life. A close second is dealing with habitual, patterned behavior they find themselves and their children stuck in. Tempers flair. Personal power is threatened. Trust is compromised. Love goes unexpressed.
Its easy to see how number one leads to number two. When there is little time for exploration or discovery, falling back on habitual reactions, no matter how ineffective in the long run it may be, is a common occurrence. What tends to happen is tantrums or arguments or angry interludes.
Interestingly, this is taking up way more time and energy than it would if the issue were addressed head on, modified and transformed. Easier said than done? Yes and no. Easier in the moment, much more difficult for the long run.
So whats a family to do when in the throes of yet another unproductive interaction? The first step is to be aware that it s happening. Stop, watch and listen. Listen as if youve never heard this before, watch like youre the most curious person alive. See it from another angle, prevent 2236yourself from assuming you know what will happen. Allow whatever is happening to happen, since the high emotions that occur in these situations could prevent meaningful communication in the moment. Just observe and let it run its course.
Now what? Wait for the time when people are somewhat relaxed. Have a conversation about how things will be in the future, for the benefit of all involved. Begin by getting buy-in. You might say something along the lines of, " I'd like to discuss something I've observed about our family that is extremely important to me. Do you have a few minutes right now?" If you get a "no", get a commitment to a time that will work.
When having a conversation where you want a change this kind of reflexive behavior, here are some things to keep in mind:
* Pick a time when there is emotional neutrality
* Take responsibility for your part in the situation
* Have a discussion to outline other family member's responsibilities
* Explain that you need to work together to come up with a solution
When you are in the brainstorming phase:
*ALL ideas are welcomed, and none are commented on at the time of brainstorming. (Some of the reasons for the behavior may very well emerge at this time. When you know the need, the solutions come more readily)
*Writing them down as they emerge gives weight to the situation
*After all concerned have exhausted their ideas, go down the list and discuss.
Note: Ground rules for everyone in this phase: No negative judgement, as in "this is a bad idea, this is stupid, I hate this, this would never work" etc etc
Get agreement:
*The solution must be agreeable by all concerned if it is to be effective.
Decide on how this will be implemented:
*Inform everyone that you will remind each other of their agreement should there be a temporary lapse
*Reinforce that this was a mutual plan, for the betterment of all involved.
If there is a lapse:
*A simple, direct statement reminding the person of the agreement, and the expectation that they comply. ("Remember the agreement we had about this? I need you to honor that and >insert whatever the agreement was here<" end of talking)
The long term goal for a respectful parent/child relationship is mutual trust. Exhibiting respect for each other, expressing love, allows trust to occur. Peaceful interactions can be the norm. Trust me.
Teaching early education, parenting education and personal development since 1989, Natalie Tucker Miller has called Vermont home since 1985. Growing up in Long Island, NY, she graduated from Five Towns College, then continued her education in the pastoral setting of northern NY at SUNY Potsdam. There she met Paul, to whom she's been married since 1982.
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