He called in the late morning asking for an appointment. I told him he could come tomorrow morning. He seemed relieved and said he would be at my office right on time.
I usually dont initiate conversation. I let the client take the first step. He didnt disappoint.
Client: Im having a virtual affair.
Counselor: A virtual affair?
Client: Yeah, I met this woman online and it has turned into a sexual affair.
Counselor: You mean your now seeing her in person and having an affair?
Client: No, were having a sexual relationship online.
Counselor: Um, I dont want to appear naive or ignorant, but I dont understandhow do you have a sexual affair online?
Client: Well, we talk about..intercourse; no, actually, we dont talk about it; we describe it, in exacting detail. We paint word pictures of what we would be doing if we were actually together.
Counselor: so you are describing having sexual intercourse with each other?
Client: Right; although its more than just intercourse.
Counselor: andhow is it?
Client: Well, thats one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. Its exciting. Itsinvigorating. Its great. In some ways it might be the best sex Ive had. Thats what I dont get. How come its so.captivating?
Counselor: I dont know; but, we can talk about it and find out
Client: Good.
Counselor: Let me ask you this.you say its captivating and invigoratingcan you elaborate on some of the feelings you have while you are engaged in describing intercourse withyour.online partner?
Client: Well, her username is (redacted)
Counselor: Are you sure she is a she?
Client: Umyeah, pretty sure.
Counselor: Pretty sure?
Client: Yeah, well, thats one of the things about onlinepeopleyou never really knowbut, I believe shes a she.
Counselor: And how would describe in some more detail you feel about theseencounters?
Client: Well, its very erotic describing ourencounters. I mean, Im really excited, physically, you know, when she undresses mewhen she describes undressing meI find myself breathing more rapidlysometimes I can hardly focus to type to say things back to her. So, I guess I feel engrossed in it, really pulled into the unfolding of it, excited
Counselor: How did you meet?
Client: I asked a question on a newsgroup, she replied. I asked her another question and she replied and then we just started talking and then.one thing led to anotherandgeezwe just started playing aroundwith wordstalking about sex. And then we were undressing each other. And then, we were touching each otherI mean describing how we would be touching each other. It was very arousing.
Counselor: Okay. So, one of your questions is about how come this online affair is so enthralling, so engaging. Are there other concerns?
Client: Well, yeah. UmIm engagedto be married.
Counselor: And, presumably, your fianc does not know about this.
Client: No.
Counselor: And..?
Client: And I dont know what to do.
Counselor: About what?
Client: About telling my fianc.
Counselor: Are you considering telling your fianc?
Client: I dont know.
Counselor: What do you see happening if you do tell her?
Client: Um.shedfreak out; she might break off the engagement. She wouldnt understand at all.
Counselor: What would you like her to understand?
Client: GeezI dont know; I dont understand it myself. Thats why I wanted to talk with youto help me understand it.
Counselor: Okay; we can talk more about it and work to gain some clarity on it. So, theres the question about how come its so captivating to you, especially since youre engaged to be married, and there is also the question about telling your fianc about this or not telling her, right?
Client: Yeah; but, theres one other thing.
Counselor: Okayand this is?
Client: There are hints that this virtual affair may be moving to a real affair. Were talking about meeting in real life.
Counselor: And that is a problem because?
Client: Geez, because Im about to be married, I love my fianc, I dont want to hurt her and I dont want it to end.
Counselor: Who? Who dont you want to hurt and what dont you want to end?
Client: I dont want to hurt my fianc and I dont want my engagement to her to end.
Counselor: And do you want the online affair to end? Do you want to hurt her?
Client: No, I dont. I know I should, but I dont.
Counselor: What do you see happening if you end the virtual affair?
Client: Um.I see myself being depressed and missing out on something that isfun and exciting and kind of beautiful and safe.
Counselor: I hear you saying that you want to continue the virtual affair.
Client: Um..yea, I do. But, I dont want it to become a real one!
Counselor: What prevents you from stopping it from becoming a real one?
Client: Well, nothing reallyexcept that the online sex is really great. I know that sounds weird, but its.its just very.eroticand the thought of it happening in real life isI dont know.I just dont know if I could stop it if it started to move in that direction.
Counselor: It sounds like you may need to make that decision either way even if it just happens, you decide to let it happen.
Client: YeahIm really confused.
Counselor: Let me ask you this: Where do you see the virtual affair going during the next few weeks, months and years? And, where do you see your engagement with your fianc going in the next few weeks, months and years? Take a few days to think about that. Okay?
Client: Okay
Counselor: Good, lets set an appointment for next time.
Ken Fields is a nationally certified, licensed mental health counselor. During the past 25 years, he has helped individuals, couples, families and groups address a variety of issues ranging from spiritual malaise to children with autism. He has been a crisis intervention counselor and an administrator at a human service agency. Currently, Mr. Fields provides online counseling for relationship and career issues and communication coaching. For further information visit http://www.openmindcounseling.com
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